Vocabulary Lesson

I love words and I generally like learning new ones, but this week, I learned a new phrase that I wish I hadn't. It's called account throttling and it applies to my Blockbuster Online account. I already knew both words, but never realized that you could combine them together to equal the shitty service that Blockbuster has been providing. I'd like to thank Google for giving me a name to an experience that I thought I left behind with Netflix many years ago.

We early Netflix subscribers. My husband and I both love movies. G likes action and thrillers. I call them man movies and don't mind being sexist in the least about that. I prefer strange foreign films and independent movies. He calls them sick and weird most of the time, so I guess we're even. We always get the 3 movies at a time plan and depending on football season it will be 2 movies to me and 1 to him or vice versa. Luckily, it's football season, so I can get all the sick movies I enjoy. Actually, I've become a little bit obsessed with watching all the Big Love episodes they have right now. I really enjoy Wife #2, Nicky. I feel like I relate to her in many fun ways. Unfortunately, account throttling is coming in between me and the Hendricksons. It's like a Netflix flashback.

If you are unfamiliar with account throttling, it's basically when online movie sites hold back movies from frequent renters to give them to infrequent renters. They have different ways of doing this; they can send from the furthest shipping center from your home, not clear a movie from your queue, or simply not send any out for days. With Netflix, we experienced them not clearing movies from our queue and shipping them from far off places. I didn't know what account throttling was back then, I just assumed they flagged our account as being frequent users and put us on a slow down list. We maybe got 3 movies a week, but I guess it was too much for them. They are in business to make money, why send them out so quickly, right? After a month of frustration, we switched to Blockbuster and were very happy with them for the last 4 years.

Unfortunately this month, Blockbuster decided to throttle us. They only are sending out two movies at a time and taking about 4 days to send it. I've emailed them and got the standard "you have to have so many movies available" response. They are all available! No one wants my bizzarre movies or Big Love, there are plenty to go around! After telling them that I "know all about your throttling", I was told that they are doing system updates and that is why I am only getting two movies at a time, sent out 4 days after they receive them. I was emailed a coupon for a free rental to ease my pain. I'm going to use it, I need my next fix of Juniper Creek. It still doesn't ease anything.

I suppose there's always Redbox. I don't think they can throttle you, but technically you could throttle the machine if it gives you trouble like Roman Grant would do.

White Trash Recipe of the Week

Makeshift Garlic Bread

*Inspired by too many left over Labor Day hamburger buns.

Ingredients:
Nearly stale hamburger or hot dog buns
Minced garlic or garlic puree
Butter or margarine

Procedure:
Preheat oven to 375. Mix together garlic and margarine/butter into an easy spread (if using butter, you may have to heat it to soften). Separate those buns and place them on a baking sheet. Spread your garlic mix. Bake until a bit brown on the top, but still soft inside. Maybe 15 minutes?

*Yes, I realize this recipe is vaguely dirty. Have fun with those unused buns!

Would You Rather Wednesday

Midnight Spa Treatments

My daughter lives to do naughty things in secret. She is a loud kid, always singing or talking to herself so the minute she is silent, I know she is up to something. I often find her in corners marking up walls or sneaking a chocolate she found. When I catch her, she always says "Nuffin' Mommy. Go 'Way". I really thought that this was a daytime activity only, but last night, she really went big.

Around midnight, I thought I heard some movement in my bedroom. The room was dark and the kids were supposed to be asleep, but apparently Lady A. decided to go into the master bathroom with her owl eyes and take some toothpaste and then go into the side table drawer and take out some Vaseline. In pitch black, she managed to mix together the toothpaste and Vaseline and apply it to her skin and hair. She was giving herself a midnight spa treatment, but it ended up looking something very similar to a scene in There's Something About Mary.

I went and scrubbed her minty, oily head and got her back to bed. I thought I fixed the problem, but in the morning, her hair mask was still there. I tried scrubbing it again, but the soap wouldn't get it all out and she was getting angry with me for bothering her so much. I just decided to braid her wet hair tight and hope that fairies get it out during the day.

I ran some errands and took her to a play area. By this time, her braided hair was very stiff and still Danny Zuko looking. There were also random white paste flakes. I kept thinking as she was playing "Wow, I'm a crap mom who can't clean her own kid. I'm sure everyone is noticing that hot mess on her head". To make matters worse, there is a Purell dispenser at the play area and A. decides to get some Purell and rub it into her hair! Some of the moms noticed and giggled about it so I just confessed to her hair treatment at midnight. In for a penny, in for a pound, right?

I thought maybe that girl was on to something with the Purell. It's alcohol based and that gets a lot of stuff out. I couldn't really pump Purell into my hands and try and clean her right there, but I tried to discreetly use a baby wipe in her hair. That has alcohol too, I think? We drove home and she passed out in the car with her hair still firm with a variety of scents. We're going to go for hair washing #3 this afternoon. I'm not holding my breath though. Vaseline mixed with toothpaste is apparently the strongest hair style product available and I plan to market it soon.

Your Weekly Horoscope

Capricorn: You will annoy people with your many Facebook status updates.

Aquarius: You will be busy trying to finish work before your deadlines.

Pisces: People will applaud you even when you say cruel things.

Aries: You may have a chance encounter with Charon on the River Styx.

Taurus: Writing has become a big priority for you this week.

Gemini: Mosquitos will ravage your legs.

Cancer: It is an excellent week for picking dandelions.

Leo: You will try and break the rules without getting caught.

Virgo: You are thinking of wearing someone like a scrunchie.

Libra: You will do something even more outrageous than Kanye West.

Scorpio: You will excel in baby wrangling.

Sagittarius: Sleep is your most sought out activity this week.

Sunday Fun

My husband has been on call this last week so it means lots of work. He's working all day and all night at the office or working from home. This weekend, he had someone cover him for a couple of hours for my son's soccer game, but as soon as he got home, it was back to the basement for conference calls and whatever it is he actually does. I'm not too computer literate. He types in all these random letters and screens fly. It's like magic and there is no way I could ever do something like that. Since it's the weekend both kids are home and it's always loud and crazy so I took them out so that he could work a little in peace.

I took the kids to what I call the "brunch special". We go to a buffet restaurant at around 10:45 am. You pay the cheaper breakfast prices, but manage to get some breakfast and then the lunch they start putting out at 11:00. Like Hannah Montana says; it is the best of both worlds. Apparently, I wasn't the only one with that bright idea. The lines were huge and the place was packed and I was wrangling two kids. It still worked out O.K. I got my son set up to eat and then hustled to get plates for my daughter and I. A buffet is the best place for my kids because my toddler is antsy to eat soon and my son has turned pretty picky. There was one moment where I had to bribe my toddler with an ice cream cone so that my son and I could actually finish our meal. I don't feel guilty about bribing with junk food, but I do feel guilty about not feeling guilty.

After the brunch special, we went to the mall next door. Taking both kids there is like herding unruly sheep. Each wanting to go their own way at different paces. My daughter hates the stroller and I often find my son trying to sit his 6 year old behind down in it. We make a compromise; one store for me and one store for them. They still climb under racks and roll around on the floor. I should probably never take them anywhere except vacant fields, but I'm part of the mall generation and it calls to me like a siren. I've learned to deflect dirty looks about my bad parenting and my crazy kids. Yes, my toddler likes to lie on her belly and pretend to swim and my son likes to play spy behind displays. I wish they could stand like frozen statues next to me, but I've had 6 years of rowdiness with no tranquility, so I'm not holding my breath.

We had one fun experience at a Lego table. My kids were sitting playing with other kids. This one little boy went a little crazy with a chair and hit this other kid. The mom hears her kid crying and saying "chair". My daughter happened to be having fun pulling her chair out and then pushing it back in and so this woman assumed it was my daughter hitting her beloved baby with the chair. She said "Honey, you don't hit other children with chairs" and then as an aside to her husband "That's why we actually watch our kids". The funny thing is, she didn't watch her kid when he got hurt and I was there the whole time. I said "It wasn't my kid, lady" then I put my hand in my pocket to secretly flip her off and then told my kids it was time to go. My son said "May May didn't do that!" as we were walking away.

She was the exact type of mom that I can't stand. Upper middle class, generally blonde, khakis/crisp shirt, talks to her kid in some weird super mom voice, and has a stick up the ass. I've been told by many people (including my own husband) that I have class issues. I do readily admit to them. Even with a college education and a rise in income brackets, I can't seem to scrub that white trash feeling out of my soul. I instantly dislike people that were probably preps in high school. I hate moms who still act like being with other moms is just an extension of a snobby high school clique. It's certainly the reason I have problems with some of the ladies in my neighborhood and why I reacted in serious anger to the lady in Carter's. If I could find a playgroup in a trailer park, I'd be perfectly content. I'm a square peg in a suburban hole.

We had one more jolly time at the Halloween store. They have this broom that comes alive with spooky sounds and music when you pass it. I didn't see it until it activated itself right on my little girl. It really terrified her. She already calls the store "spooky world" and once the broom started to follow her, she started to cry and say "No like spooky world! Go home." My son and I love Halloween, but I'm thinking that we'll have to scale back our visits to Spooky World because my daughter was traumatized by an animated broom.

That was my exciting Sunday so far. It's nap time, Cartoon Network, engineering magic, and rot on the computer time for the family now. I'm grateful for this blog so that I can complain about bitchy ladies at the Carter's Outlet and laugh about myself. Thanks for reading!

White Trash Recipe of the Week

Watermelon Slush Surprise
*Inspired by a 15 lb watermelon that no one could bear to eat anymore.

Ingredients:
The remains of a 15 lb. watermelon

Procedure:
Take out the melon flesh with an ice cream scooper. Plop it into a blender. Blend it. It may take a little time to get things moving, but you just have to be patient. Pour into cups. If you find stray seeds, just spit them onto the floor for fun.

*Honestly, it tastes really gross, but my kids seemed to love the novelty of it and drank a good bit of it.

Shop of Desperation

I am very bad about taking my car in for service. Waiting in that shop is like toture. It's never just an oil change, there is always something they find that will cost you an insane amount. I am not patient by nature and have only so much tolerance for handling my crazy kid in public places so I tend to put it off. A few weeks ago, I noticed that my brakes (just got new ones in January) were making a weird groaning/creaking sound when I was driving at slow speeds. It was disconcerting because you do need to have brakes. If I could drive with my feet like the Flintstones, I probably would, but since I can't, I knew I needed to deal with the brakes. I was also a little overdue for an oil change, maybe by 3-4,000 miles? My husband is great doing projects around the house, but he generally does not bother with our cars, so it means service for them, lots of annoying scheduling and waiting. Once G found out about how much I've delayed my service, I got a fine lecture. "It can damage the car not to have routine service...you need brakes...we are almost car payment free...can't afford another car..."

I sort of live my life in a flighty, distracted way. I like to shirk duties that bore me or cause me unneccesary stress. Dealing with the car is high on that list. I do feel guilt easily though, so lectures are generally effective in getting me to do things. I finally manned up and made the appointment.

The building is half service center and half car dealership, and 100% lame. The people that sit in the chairs look either bored, terrified, irate, or sickened. It's really a nonstop loop of all those emotions for me there. However, most of them are by themselves and can at least pretend to read or look at the mute, close captioned morning talk shows on the T.V. while they wait. I have my daughter, wild as colt, wanting to find good times in the loudest possible way. To be fair, the center does have a closet sized kids' room, but chewed Legos aren't that my fun for my explorer. She wants to see vending machines, crawl under tables, take out the contents of Mommy's wallet, laugh and shriek, run circles around display cars, and really just live life to the fullest in a Honda service center.

After the hour and a half that it took for the oil change and brake check, they tell me that my brakes have too much rust. I don't drive enough, I need to drive more. The thought of driving more and using more gas is not appealing to me. They tell me they can sand off the rust. They also tell me that various fluids are black and full of mold. Really, they could tell me anything and I would pay it because what do I know about cars? I just want it to run. Although vaguely in the back of my mind, I remember them asking about this particular service a year ago and me shrugging it off... Looking at the cost of everything, I want to curl up and cry. I hate the costs! It's almost as bad as struggling in the waiting room of doom with my wayward toddler. I'm also informed that the MAJOR service is coming up and another issue with a fuel injector that will need to be taken care of at that time. It's scary stuff and my face is the wheel of horror, disgust, anger, and disbelief.

After being told to wait another half an hour, I go back to chasing A. for a good hour. I tried to cajole her into looking at an ESPN magazine, but that worked for all of a minute. I tried to take her back and make those chewed up Legos as appealing as possible. We even had snack time at the vending machine. I tried singing along to the 80s hits playing in the background, but I was ansty and my kid was antsy. When everything was finally done, I was actually glad to pay that scary amount just to get out of there. Now my future plans will be to figure out how long I can delay the MAJOR service so that I don't have endure any of that anytime soon.

Would You Rather Wednesday

Your Weekly Horoscope

*In honor of Labor Day, I am announcing the profession you should have had according to some very complicated star charts of mine.

Capricorn: (Hogwarts Instructor) This combines your need to teach with your fine appreciation of magic.

Aquarius: (Dolphin Trainer) You love the water by nature and can tolerate huge aquatic creatures.

Pisces: (Soda Vending Machine Person) You don't have to deal with annoying people and you have an addiction to caffeine.

Aries: (Franchise Owner) You like to boss get high on power and enjoy bossing around minimum wage people.

Taurus: (Missionary) You can visit far off places and spread your message.

Gemini: (Librarian) You hate people and love books.

Cancer: (Disney Movie Character) You like singing, talking animals, and magic.

Leo: (Reality T.V. Star) You enjoy attention and wouldn't mind loading up on freebies and hosting night club gigs.

Virgo: (Garbage/Recycling Dude) This job would teach you to recycle correctly.

Libra: (Shopping/Lunching Wife) You prefer to spend your days swiping your credit card, taking yoga, and gossiping over lunch cocktails.

Scorpio: (Cattle Rancher) You like the great outdoors and have a secret adventurous side.

Sagittarius: (Professional Sports Player) You love sports and wouldn't mind the money that came from playing them well.

The Yellow Jacket Dance

I try to stay away from creatures that sting. Ants, mosquitoes, and anything in the bee family. Most of the time, I can avoid most stings. I have fallen into an ant hill and if I stay outside at night, I will be eaten alive by mosquitoes, but generally, bees, wasps, and Yellow Jackets have an understanding with me. They gave me traumatic experiences in my youth, so now my adulthood is mostly free of them. It was like an evil exchange.

When I was 5, I was hanging out in the shallow end of a pool. I could not swim yet. Someone had a radio playing and there were lots of other kids around. While I was playing, a Yellow Jacket came and flew around my head. I went into panic mode and somehow managed to run myself into deeper water where I couldn't touch the bottom. I sunk under the water in a panic. I just remember thrashing like a caught fish. Luckily my eyes were open and I could see an inner tube just above me and I managed to pull myself up to breathe again. Ironically, the song playing at the time was Every Breath You Take by The Police. As much as I love the band, I will always have an intense hatred for that song. Obviously the Yellow Jacket nearly drowned me, but the song seemed to mock my experience.

When I was 10, I was visiting my grandmother's trailer and running around in the corn fields and woods near her home. On one particular race into the woods, my foot fell into a yellow jacket hole and disturbed the hive. I ran deep into the woods to this place I was convinced was a prehistoric swamp and hid there. Unfortunately, some of my cousins came to join me and met the angry swarm and one girl was terribly stung. At the time I thought it was some kind of karma for making out with all the other male cousins in the station wagon at night, but really it was just mean of me not to run back to the house and warn them. That was Yellow Jacket guilt learned early.

I didn't learn to be careful, because by the time I was 13, I still got into trouble with those creatures. My friends and I were running in the woods in our neighborhood and managed to disturb another Yellow Jacket home. This time, the swarm was coming for us! Fortunately, there was a pond nearby and we galloped toward it and jumped into the water and stayed submerged until they finally went away. I remember as we were running telling the other girls "We have to run in a zig zag pattern!". I'm not even sure if that works, but we zig zagged all the way to that filthy pond that once had a dead cat in a plastic bag floating in it.

Aside from an incident with Yellow Jackets and Dippin' Dots (an embarrassing moment in Six Flags I do not want to recount), I think I've been left alone by those malicious creatures. Last night though, there was no escaping them. I took my son to soccer practice and noticed they were flying about everywhere. I guess they were attracted to all the tasty Gatorade varieties. None of the other parents seemed happy about them. There is a Yellow Jacket Dance that you can watch whenever one flies around a person. It involves keeping your legs straight, bending forward, bending backward, waving your arms, and shrieking. Usually the women shriek, the men just do a short sort of shout. Everyone was bending and swaying like trees with crazy limbs last night. It was nightmarish. I tried to kill some, but I now learned from Wikipedia (research for this piece) that doing that can send out stress signals for more of them to come out. My daughter happened to be picking clover flowers and there must have been one in the grass and it stung her right in the finger. She's a loud girl, but I never heard a cry like this before. She is a tough girl and after five minutes, was O.K. She just knew now about the danger of the flying yellow menace.

I'm not especially happy with the Yellow Jacket right now. I thought we had a semi-truce going on after some unfortunate incidents in the past. Don't sting my kid for no reason! They will have to send out a million stress signals when I get around them because I have revenge on my mind. I am done dancing and running for them.

White Trash Recipe of the Week

Thrice Baked Potatoes
*Once baked by nature and twice baked by man

Ingredients:
4 good sized potatoes
A cup of shredded cheese
A big chunk of butter or margarine
1/2 cup of milk
Salt/Pepper to taste
Garlic (optional if you feel adventurous)

Procedure:
Preheat oven to 400. Stab potatoes with forks so they don't explode. Cook for about 1 hour. Just go in and squeeze with an oven mitt occasionally to see if they are ready. Once cooked, remove from oven. Split them and remove the innards and put in a bowl. You can do this wearing an oven mitt or tough it out and use your bare fingers.

In the bowl with the potato innards, add the milk, butter, salt/pepper, garlic (if you want), and half of the cheese. Mix it up. Scoop it up and add it back into the potato shells. Add the rest of the cheese on top. Switch the oven to 375 degrees and bake for about 10 minutes. Thrice baked awesome!

It's Official: Nobody Likes Pica

If you visit regularly, you know that every Wednesday, I do silly polls. I do them for my own amusement. It's fun having horrible options and being forced to choose one. I also love polls in general. If I see one, I always am compelled to vote. I know that my polls don't have especially large turnout, but it doesn't deter me from making them. I am very excited to know that my last week's poll (reflecting cravings during pica pregnancy moments) got the lowest turnout ever!

I know that no one really wants to crave sponges with mildew or Pine Sol, but it happens. Well, it happened to me. I am always slightly anemic with low blood pressure and body temperature. It often makes it hard to give blood, but normally it does not bother me. In pregnancy, my anemia really kicks into overdrive and having morning sickness all day for months on end does not help keep iron pills or iron rich foods down. I didn't realize until it was too late that my head would be filled with bizarre cravings all the time.

When I was pregnant with my son, I wanted very badly to smell/taste mildewed sponges. I would have even settled for a washrag. I never realized how much smell and taste are tied together until those senses became very sensitive in pregnancy. My rational mind was appalled by what my body wanted to consume. I turned to ice cold wet carrots to appease those cravings. It worked somewhat because wateriness is something I desired. I was eating 5-10 lbs of carrots a week. I brought them with me to doctor's appointments and even had a bag when it was time to deliver. I was teased that my baby would come out orange and it did worry me, but I never told anyone that it was either carrots or the mildew. Luckily, a few days after delivery, the cravings disappeared.

When I was pregnant with my daughter, pica reared its head again. This time it was cleaning products that I wanted to smell and taste. I remember going to a miniature golf course and noticing that they had drained their little ponds and were scrubbing them with Pine Sol. I couldn't concentrate on golfing because I just wanted to lie down in the pond and inhale that glorious odor. I ended up washing my floors a lot that pregnancy. My rational mind was still strong and I never ingested those chemicals. I turned to cherry tomatoes to help me fight my urges with a few carrots thrown in.

Those are the stories behind my last poll. I can see why no one would want either option. Of course, with any of my polls, I've experienced both options so it's always funny to see what people would really prefer. I think my poll for tomorrow should incorporate unicorns and rainbows for maximum results. I know there is a science behind successful polls and apparently pica is an epic fail.

Your Weekly Horoscope

*This week I plan to be a bit old fashioned and consult my astral charts and my telescope to help you with your astrological potential.

Capricorn: You haven't been calling people back lately!

Aquarius: You may get a hankering for seafood.

Pisces: You are ready to relentlessly spy on your neighbors again.

Aries: Why don't you scour your bathroom floors?

Taurus: You are busy planning exciting fall activities.

Gemini: You will exact revenge on a retail employee.

Cancer: You will put on a hoodie and go running. Long distance running, cross country running.

Leo: You will experience your first cold of the season, don't squander tissue paper.

Virgo: This is a good week to glut yourself on reality T.V.

Libra: You will consider licking spilled milk from the floor.

Scorpio: Something in the woods will spook you.

Sagittarius: You will be busy planning for your fantasy football league.

Unfortunate Shopping Experience

I am a serious couponer. I learned about coupons at an early age and continue to find new ways to use them to get free or very cheap items. The frugal path can often be a hard road to walk. Some people seem to be inherently suspicious of coupons and others just don't like the idea of folks not paying full price. I've weathered a few battles at customer service and have had clashes with cashiers, but most of the time, the effort is worth it. I stay at home with my kids and I try my hardest to stretch every dollar that I can. Today, I lost a huge battle and a little bit of pride...

For nearly two year, I've been shopping at the well known drug store, CVS. They have a great program that features "extra care bucks". You get money back in the form of coupons that can be used like money for future purchases. You can also use manufacturer coupons and CVS coupons to combine with these Extra Care Buck sale items. It is a little complicated, but it basically means that you can get items for mere pennies or free most of the time. I originally started shopping at CVS to earn extra care bucks to pay for diapers. Not only was I getting free health and beauty products, but I would often make a little extra that I would use towards those diapers. I frequent the same store and really like the young male cashier who rings up my purchases every Sunday.

On this particular Sunday, I made a mistake purchasing a product. Some items were mistagged and instead of checking, I just assumed they were correct and bought them. After my receipt printed out, I realized my error and wanted to return and repurchase the correct items. A new manager was called to the front and because I paid with these extra care bucks, I would only get back a refund in my out of pocket cost which was very little. It meant losing $13 in extra care bucks! That may not seem like much to most people, but it's CVS Monopoly money and it can go very far. I've made a couple of returns in the past and would receive my refund on a money card. I told the manager this, but he refused it and proceeded to be rude, angry, and loud in his refusal. I was humiliated. I left the store with my depleted extra care bucks and was proud of myself for not bursting into tears until I got into my car. (I'm not always so girlish, but he hurt my feelings!)

There really is nothing humorous about this story and I'm missing my beloved extra care bucks right now. I refuse to go back to that store, it would be just too damn shameful. That really leaves me with no options for CVS since most of the other stores near me have become 24 hours stores and all the other crazy couponers go shopping at midnight to clear the deals off the shelves. I am not interested in getting into that race. I plan to contact their customer service line so that this doesn't happen to another customer. It's one thing not to know your own store policies, it's another to berate a loyal customer over your own ignorance. It will be hard to divorce CVS and give up those free diapers, but I just have to be brave and do it.

Thanks for reading my vent. I feel a wee bit better even if my pride is still sorely wounded.

White Trash Recipe of the Week

Ice Cream Soup

*This dish is best made a buffet bar ice cream station because it involves less prep and no clean up.

Ingredients:
1 scoop of ice cream
Hot Fudge sauce
Pineapple sauce
Strawberry sauce
Chopped nuts
Caramel sauce
Butterscotch sauce
Whipped cream
Sprinkles, various candies, cookie crumbs (*optional)

Procedure:
Put ice cream in bowl and then load bowl with all other ingredients. Stir the mixture over and over again until a thick soup consistency.

Would You Rather Wednesday

New Poultry Possiblities

My husband doesn't go to the grocery store very often, but when he does, he often brings home things that are new or interesting to him. One time he brought a giant box of White Castle burgers home because they were little and easy to make. He had planned to take them to work. I guess he forgot that he doesn't really eat beef so that big idea fell through. It was amusing to see his excitement over those little burgers, but I ended up having them for my own lunches.

Another time, G said he discovered a new chicken. He said it was "Thai chicken" and only cost $2! He said that we could just cook with this now since it's cheaper than the usual breast we buy. I went over and looked at the package and it was thigh meat. I had forgotten that he doesn't always pronounce the "t-h" sound so I was thinking we were going to be eating some kind of Bangkok special for the rest of our lives. I told him it was dark meat and that he doesn't like it. Of course, being as stubborn as me, he insisted on making it, trying it, and pronouncing it gross and smelly.

This weekend was another adventure in poultry. G likes to get a skinned and cut up whole chicken to make into curry. We will usually go to a butcher to get the meat how he likes it. Apparently in the last few months, both butchers closed and so G was driving aimlessly around feeling sad about not having his deconstructed chicken. I told him to just go to the grocery store and get a chicken to do it himself. He comes home with a Cornish Game hen and some excitement about how tiny and cute it is. It took him a good 30 minutes to de-skin and take that thing apart, but he seemed proud. The hen has become his new best friend; magic meat for his curry.

Your Weekly Horoscope

*I am picking a character from Jane Austen's classic novel Pride and Prejudice that will reflect your own character this week. Be most assured that it is at random...

Capricorn: (Lady Catherine De Bough) Somewhat imposing and haughty, but also kind of kick ass.

Aquarius: (George Wickam) You are a little devilish and scheming, but infinitely charming.

Pisces: (Mrs. Bennet) High strung and frivolous, but you have a good heart.

Aries: (Elizabeth Bennet) You are sensible and astute, but can be somewhat prejudiced.

Taurus: (Jane Bennet) You are calm and usually unaffected by undue emotions.

Gemini: (Mr. Bennet) You like to mock people and then retreat into a corner with books.

Cancer: (Kitty Bennet) You are a little silly, but sweet and kind natured.

Leo: (Fitzwilliam Darcy) You have a bit of a temper and a huge amount of pride, but have a secret heroic nature.

Virgo: (William Collins) Sort of uptight and priggish, but generally harmless.

Libra: (Charles Bingely) You are not especially bright, but are cheerful and quite amiable.

Scorpio: (Charlotte Lucas) You are prefer a quiet life, but have a surprisingly strong and determined character.

Sagittarius: (Lydia Bennet) Self centered and vain, you are always very concentrated on your own pleasures.