Five Advertising Mascots That I Wish Were Real!

1. Mr. Clean: When I was a kid, I did fancy myself marrying Mr. Clean one day. I think I associated him with Yul Brynner in The King and I and was determined to have one of them as my future groom. With his pirate earring, he looks like he might dabble a little bit in illegal activities and his smile is all-knowing.

*Note: I never found Daddy Warbucks attractive, that would be very, very wrong!

2. The KoolAid Guy: He's all around kick ass! He smashes into walls and has a great catch phrase "Oh, Yeah". Who doesn't love shitloads of artificial coloring and sugar? Probably not a Gymboree Mom, but everyone else. The KoolAid guy gives a legal high to kids, he's the best animated pusher around!

3. Mrs. Butterworth: She is like the best grandmother you never had! When I was a kid, every time I went past her on the shelf I always said: "Hey, Mrs. Butterworth". I may or may not do that now, but that's up for you to decide... She always seemed steady and kind. Aunt Jemima was cranky and probably a little more than mean after dealing with years of racial injustice. Obviously, we got generic syrup so I never had either brand in my house, but maybe one day I'll be able to take Mrs. Butterworth home.

4. Punchy: If you can't tell by now,I had a fondess for sugary drinks as a kid. We used to go around drinking our Hawaiian Punch on the playground while giving each other our own hawaiian punches. It involved singing the jingle in a high pitched fashion and then punching the other kid when he wasn't looking. Although when you sneak up to someone singing a weird song, they'll know what's coming and plot their revenge accordingly. My first love is the KoolAid guy, but this guy was more violent than him and most likely schizophrenic, so he has to make the list.

5. Little Caesar: In my adolescence, I was obsessed obsessed with Caesar. I named a hamster after him and dressed up in a toga for Halloween. I was fortunate enough that my forays into early freeganism involved a Little Caesar's dumpster. That mascot meant free snacks to me! I did cheat on that dumpster with a neighbor's garbage can once, but it was still the same pizza! pizza!