*I am not an astrologer and if I find out your sign, I can and will use it against you.
Capricorn: You will find yourself in a pickle this week and your bad attitude will not help you get out of it.
Aquarius: You will help out someone in need and they will be very grateful.
Pisces: You will amuse yourself by making dirty jokes at work. Your coworkers will love you, but your boss will not.
Aries: Your looks are your main priority this week. You could be balding, growing a wee pot belly, or you just loathe your current handbag.
Taurus: You have a minor obsession with YouTube and people are afraid it isn't a passing phase.
Gemini: Your writing inspires others and your ideas are totally awesome.
Cancer: You can't stop drawing all over yourself with pen and no one understands why.
Leo: You are settling into a new career or job nicely. This is a good week to read The Joy Luck Club.
Virgo: You have been mysteriously silent lately, but no one is interested in prying secrets from you.
Libra: You call people at weird times and it's becoming bothersome.
Scorpio: You have been doing a poor job recycling. Remember to take pizza out of the boxes first before you put them in the bin.
Sagittarius: You should probably look thorugh your clothing this week and donate items you don't wear.