*I am not an astrologer and if I find out your sign, I can and will use it against you.
Capricorn: You will receive an unexpected windfall this week. Stay away from rodents!
Aquarius: You will find an interesting new web hang out spot this week.
Pisces: Your pet has been annoying you lately, you need to sit down and have a chat with them.
Aries: You have becomed obsessed with money this week and it's preventing you from thinking clearly.
Taurus: You will consider grilling some Spam for the holiday.
Gemini: You will be assaulted by a beetle in the face. I'm sorry.
Cancer: You are determined to watch certain TV shows even if they aren't playing or saved in the DVR.
Leo: You will consider going to a candle store and may meet Mr. or Mrs. Right there.
Virgo: Why do you brush your hair so much? Are you afraid of other people's rat's nests?
Libra: You will be going on a mini holiday involving some type of recreational activity.
Scorpio: You will reconsider a writing project and will receive coupons in the mail.
Sagittarius: You have been busy with house projects. Good job!