Sunday Funny

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When Animals Attack: A Troop of Monkeys

One of my favorite parts about visiting India was the abundance of wildlife. Yes, much of it attacked me, but I still loved being able to see peacocks and water buffalo outside of my car windows driving down the crazy highways. I loved that Indians have reverence for all animals and that the animals really do make themselves at home in the middle of the human realm.

I've always felt a kinship with monkeys. I was born in the year of the monkey, I am fascinated by the Hindu monkey god, Hanuman, and I like to think I share some of the same traits as monkeys. I was elated to see so many of them just hanging out in India. We were fortunate enough to stay at this palace converted to a hotel and there was a troop that made their home in the forest behind the rooms. I'm sure it was all the food possibilities from tourists that had them living there.

The first night there, I didn't see them, I just stepped in their feces. I was listening to some Bad English on a walkman, dancing around barefoot in the grass. It was during twilight and it took me awhile to figure out what was so squishy all over the grass. Obviously, you should probably never go barefoot or listen to Bad English in India, but I am a rule breaker. Since it was getting darker, I didn't see the monkeys, but I knew we'd have fun times in the morning.

I spent a lot of time either completely sick or terribly starving on that trip. It was hard to eat and not get ill there. I mainly stuck to bags of chips and peanut butter brought from home. That morning, I was having my usual breakfast of chips outside waiting for the monkeys to appear. It didn't take long for them to arrive because I'm sure the hydrogenated oils lured them out of the trees. There might have been about 5 of them and there was clearly a leader. I decided she was The Queen, even though I never had the chance to determine the gender. I thought it might be nice to give her a chip so I held one out to her like an offering. Instead of taking my chip, she took the whole bag like a greedy bitch and ran for the woods with her pals. That was my food for the day and she wasn't going to get away with it!

I ran after them and tried to snatch the bag out of her hands. It was a bad move on my part because her loyal subjects bared their teeth and started to come after me. With a great deal of cursing and shrieking, I ran back to the safety of my room. I saw the empty bag later on in the day torn to pieces and strewn all over the lawn in the middle of all the monkey shit. I was had.

Surprisingly, I still love monkeys. They are bold and bad ass. I don't really like Bad English anymore though.

White Trash Recipe of the Week

*I can't promise that this will be my last hot dog recipe.

Pigs in Cement

Ingredients:
Package of hot dogs
Box of cornbread mix
Whatever you need to make cornbread mix

Procedure:
Preheat oven to 375. Mix up the cornbread mix. I am sure the recipe is on the back of the box for you because I am always too lazy to figure that out plus cornbread mixes can vary. Pour mix into casserole dish if you have one. Cut hot dogs into whatever shape is aesthetically pleasing to you. You could do some circles or strips or logs. Have fun!

Plop those hot dogs into cornbread mix and bake until mix is cooks. Cut up squares and serve. Another super easy, cheap, and nutritionally poor meal!

Werewolf Sighting

I had mentioned in a previous post that we have a werewolf/fox living in the woods behind our house. He gorges himself on the scraps of food I compost out there. Last week, I saw him for the first time since he was just a little kit. My husband had made him out to be a creature of mythic proportions and I was dismayed to see him looking quite average. Aside from a bit of extra belly, he looks like a normal fox to me.

My son still does not realize that this particular fox is the creature that has terrorized him into fearing a werewolf in the woods. We're trying hard to keep the magic alive for him, therefore I've named him Jacob Black, on account of the werewolf in Twilight. Buddy Lee did enjoy watching the little fellow with me when he made his cameo appearance. The fox went and relieved himself in a neighbor's flower bed which I thought was neat. Jacob then decided to just keep weaving in and out of trees, peeking at us. I was thinking he was waiting for the bits of food I recycle in his house, but from all the stale Cocoa Puffs I had put out there in the morning, he should have been stuffed.

I am determined to catch a picture of him, because I don't want to disappoint all my awesome readers here. I will keep a camera with me when I'm out in the backyard, like Jacob's own personal papparazzi lurking in the bushes. Until then, the picture above is one Buddy Lee made in school. It's like they do a Blog Jr. every morning about what they've done the previous day. It reads:

Once I saw a fox in the woods. It was yellow. The fox was cute.

That's my boy! Look for his guest posts here in the future. I know he's itching to do the Would You Rather? portion of the blog

I have to admit that I have some doubts about the gender of Jacob. My Scooby Senses indicate a possible "bump watch" going on with that potruding abdomen. Also, he seemed to squat during urination. Maybe later in the summer there will be an entire brood of werewolves coming out to enjoy the hard work of all my composting.

Would You Rather Wednesday?

It's the swell new craze that's sweeping the Blogger world!

Poorly Constructed Lyric Poem to Napalm

You were such a fine, brave lad,
Enduring the harshest weed killer to be had.

No one will forget all of the promise you showed.
Even in crackly death, your leaves sort of glowed.

I promise you that your life was not lived in vain.
Though it ended tragically and in long, drawn out pain.

I will seek out your murderer and avenge your demise.
For that particular dude, I've planned a spectacular surprise.

Although you may be gone, you will always be missed here.
Your plot remains empty, but it is watered by tears.

Your Weekly Horoscope

*I am not an astrologer and if I find out your sign, I can and will use it against you.


Capricorn: You will receive an unexpected windfall this week. Stay away from rodents!


Aquarius: You will find an interesting new web hang out spot this week.


Pisces: Your pet has been annoying you lately, you need to sit down and have a chat with them.


Aries: You have becomed obsessed with money this week and it's preventing you from thinking clearly.


Taurus: You will consider grilling some Spam for the holiday.


Gemini: You will be assaulted by a beetle in the face. I'm sorry.


Cancer: You are determined to watch certain TV shows even if they aren't playing or saved in the DVR.


Leo: You will consider going to a candle store and may meet Mr. or Mrs. Right there.


Virgo: Why do you brush your hair so much? Are you afraid of other people's rat's nests?


Libra: You will be going on a mini holiday involving some type of recreational activity.


Scorpio: You will reconsider a writing project and will receive coupons in the mail.


Sagittarius: You have been busy with house projects. Good job!

Sunday Funny

nataliedee.com

When Animals Attack: The Chinchilla

When I was a kid, I loved the mall. To be honest, I still really love the mall. I have no idea why, I guess I'm just part of that mall rat generation. Right now, I favor children's clothing stores because I consider my daughter my own personal Barbie, but as a kid, the pet store was the most alluring shop for me.

When I was 8, I happened upon the most curious animal I had ever seen in a pet store. It was a chinchilla. I could tell from looking at it that it would be soft and cuddly and I was drawn to it like a magnet. I approached it reverently. I had never seen or heard of such a creature before so it must have some sort of magical quality about it. He looked at me calmly and I felt we were making a deep mystical connection. Looking at the price tag, I knew he could never be mine, but we would still have this time together. Finally the soft appeal of the fur got to be too great and I had to feel it for myself. I reached out tentatively and touched its behind. He didn't seem to mind so I decided to pet it more boldly. This chinchilla was my new furry friend! Suddenly he made a rude squeak, did a half flip to face me, then sank his massive fangs deep into my finger!

I was absolutely stunned that a bosom buddy would treat me this way. Being 8, my eyes starting tearing up very quickly. The bored clerk looked over at me and said "Oh yeah, those things bite. Didn't you read the sign?" I just turned around and stalked out dejectedly. Obviously chinchillas are no friends of mine.

I haven't seen one since, but if I do, it's definitely on my flip off list.

White Trash Recipe of the Week

*It's come to my attention that I have no recipes with Velveeta or Spam, very important ingredients in the WT community. Unfortunately, I have eaten neither of these so have no recipes. So for any recipe I post, feel free to add Velveeta and/or Spam. I'm sure it will make a nice addition. Also, I'm not a chef and I don't really measure.

Chicken N Rice

Ingredients:
Chicken (I prefer bone in breast with lots of skin, but I know it can get costly so you can use a few dark meat pieces as long as the skin and fat is on there!)
1 cup of cheap white rice
Salt/pepper to taste
Water

Procedure
Preheat the oven to 375. Get out a casserole dish and put in the rice and add water. I guess it would be about 1.5 cups of water, never really measured that. Add as much salt and pepper to the water/rice mixture as you like. Put the chicken on top. In this dish, the chicken skin/fat will drip down during the cooking process and flavor your rice. Cook for about an hour, when the chicken is done and the rice is a bit crackly.

Hottest Pick Up Joint in Town

Where do you think would be a good place for illicit solicitation? Well, if you're in Georgia, it's obviously McDonald's. They have a lot of business, are in a prime location, and provide cheap food to keep up your stamina. If you're confused about what kind of solicitors I'm talking about, I think Steve Buscemi in The Wedding Singer sums it up best: I guess they were prostitutes, but I don't remember paying.

I was fascinated by these ladies. They always wore animal prints as a sort of identifying uniform. They were cheerful and busy. The cops were often there, but more to enjoy the goods rather than to arrest. Sometimes it's hard to imagine that most McDonald's in America are not marketplaces for harlotry. They do peddle heart attacks, obesity, and cow flesh, but that's not really the same.

Aside from watching them raptly out the car window, I didn't really have much interaction with these ladies, except once during my senior year of school. A few of us in this volunteering club had gotten permission to go off campus and help at the Special Olympics. We finished pretty early and decided to skip school and go to the beach, only to return for the end of the last period. When we got to the parking lot, we noticed the prostitutes had gone on a migration. They were walking down past the school! Some of the male school athletes were leaving early for games and the ladies were calling to them "Hey y'all...". I happened to notice that one of the ladies in leopard skin was actually a transvestite. I was ecstatic because it meant some equal opportunity really could exist in a small town!

There was a lazy cop that monitored the school parking lot and he urged my friends and I to go into the school, so I will never really know what happened next. I hope it was something really seedy and outrageous. I guess a group of do gooder girls coming back from volunteering at the Special Olympics and/or tanning at the beach couldn't be witnesses to the debauchery.

A lot has time has passed since then and I'm sure the McDonald's there is now just an ordinary fast food place, but I will never forget those ladies in leopard, cheetah, and zebra.

Would You Rather Wednesday?

*As always, based on true stories...

Chicky's Garden

I love to daydream about acres upon acres at my disposal filled with my gardening triumphs. I could stroll among stalks of corn and whisper lovingly to my prize winning produce. I could plant myself in the soil and eat a salad I picked and held right in the palm of my hand. I often get so caught up in my imagining that I've forgotten the two tiny plots of earth that I do have.


The Epic Rose Fail and A Phoenix Rising
In front of our house, there is a rectangular area of dirt that we can use for shrubs or flowers. For several years we tried keeping a handful of rose bushes there. Early in the season, they were absolutely beautiful, but no matter what, the beetles always came. They decimated the blooms and the leaves and camped out in locust-like swarms. We tried sprays and bags to eliminate them, but they were too determined. Last year, with a heavy heart, I pulled all of them up, scratching myself raw in the process.

Just as I thought this story was over, there was a surprise early this year. I noticed in the back of the patch, behind our satellite dish, there was a tiny rose plant growing near where his parents fell. He is like a Phoenix rising from the ashes and there is no way I will let the beetles destroy him. I had a rose plant that I named JFK as a child, so it is only fitting that this one becomes JFK Jr. I have no idea what color he'll become, but it's an exciting wait.


Pumpkincide
Every year after Halloween, we have The Great Pumpkin Smash. All you have to do to start this tradition is take your porch pumpkin and let the kids smash it over and over on the sidewalk. It provides at least a few minutes of entertainment. One year, a surprise came from smashing those pumpkins, a new plant growing behind the roses. I really didn't have the space to grow it, but when I recognized the plant, I couldn't not let it grow. I was amazed by how far it spread out and how much it blossomed. We would have our own pumpkins for fall grown right in our tiny yard. As the summer progressed, it seemed like the plant wasn't going to bear any pumpkins and it was growing into the neighbor's yard. It was looking messy and scary, so I went and pulled it out. I've never seen such a long vine and tucked behind some of the leaves that were in the neighbor's yard was the tiniest pumpkin and I had killed it. I wish there was a happy ending to this story, but the poor baby just rotted back in The Compost Woods.

Chicky's Garden
We have a small square of dirt on the side front of our house that I like to call Chicky's Garden after the garden in How to Make an American Quilt. Every year, I like to mix up the things I plant in there. Sometimes I put in some mums, sometimes dahlias and zinnias, sometimes daisys, and once I put in a packet of wildflowers. I never know what I'm going to do, but it's always something to look froward too. I love a mix of colors there and I like it thickly packed with flowers. I've just started working there since it's been so cool this spring and I have still have a lot to do, but I'm looking forward to this summer like every other. We have one new addition this year, a tomato plant that I'm calling Leroy (from Fame). My son is especially thrilled about taking care of him.
Leroy

The Incident
Last year I had dahlias and zinnias in various colors in Chicky's Garden and was excited to notice another one sprouting up this year. Unfortunately, my husband was overzealously applying weed killer to the yard and doused the poor fellow even when I specifically asked for him to be in a No Spray Zone. I guess the appeal of weed killer is something that I don't understand, but apparently it makes you lose all your thoughts in the pursuit of weeds and death. I prefer to be old school and pull them out by hand.

I am not going to give up on this napalmed plant. I plan to cut back his poisoned limbs and nurse him back to health. Today I wanted to dedicate the last two lines of the first stanza of Maya Angelou's poem Still I Rise to him.

You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

He is yet unamed, so I'm looking for some suggestions.

Name Me!


I don't really think I have a green thumb, but I love plants and flowers. I like knowing that I helped make something grow. I like showing my kids where their food comes from and even if I'm off to a small start this year, I hope to have more to show for it here in the coming months!

Your Weekly Horoscope

*I am not an astrologer and if I find out your sign, I can and will use it against you.


Capricorn: You will find yourself in a pickle this week and your bad attitude will not help you get out of it.


Aquarius: You will help out someone in need and they will be very grateful.


Pisces: You will amuse yourself by making dirty jokes at work. Your coworkers will love you, but your boss will not.


Aries: Your looks are your main priority this week. You could be balding, growing a wee pot belly, or you just loathe your current handbag.


Taurus: You have a minor obsession with YouTube and people are afraid it isn't a passing phase.


Gemini: Your writing inspires others and your ideas are totally awesome.


Cancer: You can't stop drawing all over yourself with pen and no one understands why.


Leo: You are settling into a new career or job nicely. This is a good week to read The Joy Luck Club.


Virgo: You have been mysteriously silent lately, but no one is interested in prying secrets from you.


Libra: You call people at weird times and it's becoming bothersome.


Scorpio: You have been doing a poor job recycling. Remember to take pizza out of the boxes first before you put them in the bin.


Sagittarius: You should probably look thorugh your clothing this week and donate items you don't wear.

Sunday Funny

http://www.nataliedee.com/

When Animals Attack: The Bull

When we lived in upstate New York, we rented a house with 100 acres. I spent much of my time wandering outdoors with my goats and dog trotting after me. It was an idyllic time and I hope that one day my kids will be able to experience the freedom of roaming about in nature.

There was one year that the landlord decided to rent out some of the land to a farmer and his cows. They were all female except for one bull and they stayed in an enclosed field surrounded by electric fences. Those electric fences were extremely appealing to me. I liked to take stalks of Timothy grass and touch the fences just to get shocked. I love running and jumping over them like they were hurdles o' death in my own private Olympics.

When I wasn't messing with the fences, I liked to study the cows, especially how they behaved around those fences. They always shied away from them. Knowing this, my 11 year old mind started to put a plan into action; I was going to bait the bull and use the fences as my secret weapon.

I had seen in cartoons that bulls were enraged by the color red. Now I didn't have a matador's cape, but I did have a bright red, large, plastic bat and I figured that would do. Once I had it in my hands, I set out running for the cows. It was a thrilling run and I was mentally patting myself on the back for being so bold and daring. I slowed down once I reached the cows and carefully went to approach the bull. The cows were used to my pesky presence so really didn't react at first, even the bull just stared at me blankly. I tried to wave the bat in his face, but he didn't respond. It was frustrating, but I was determined not to give up.

I started to scream and wave the bat dangerously close to his face and suddenly something in his face shifted. It was the true anger I was looking for and I sprang back. He started to charge after me and I bolted! It was time for the second part of my plan. I ran with this bull on my heels hoping that I could reach the fences alive. After all the practice I had jumping them, I sailed right over that electric wire. I fell to the ground and put to my hand to my chest, terrified. I looked back and saw that the bull must have stopped chasing me quite awhile ago. He had no real interest in harming me, just wanted to give a small threat. It didn't matter, my mission was accomplished.

White Trash Recipe of the Week

Hamburg Gravy (yes it is spelled correctly)

*I do not measure and I am not a chef obviously.

Ingredients:
1 lb ground hamburger (the fatter the better, more grease)
A few tablespoons of flour for gravy
Instant mashed potatoes
Salt/pepper to taste
Water

Procedure: Brown the hamburger meat and salt to your taste. When you drain the grease, make sure you save it. Start up a batch of instant mashed potatoes. I'm sure the recipe is on the box and I'm too lazy to get a box and rewrite directions.

Now you are going to make gravy from the grease. You probably have your own style. I like to heat up some grease, add a little flour and make that brown. I just keep adding grease/flour/water/a little pepper and stir until I get the consistency correct. I know this is a complicated process, you'll just have to take my word for it.

You should now have gravy, instant mashed potatoes, and cooked ground meat. On a plate, put the mashed potatoes, then the meat, and then the gravy. It should look like a mountain. Hooray, it's done!

Five Advertising Mascots That I Wish Were Real!

1. Mr. Clean: When I was a kid, I did fancy myself marrying Mr. Clean one day. I think I associated him with Yul Brynner in The King and I and was determined to have one of them as my future groom. With his pirate earring, he looks like he might dabble a little bit in illegal activities and his smile is all-knowing.

*Note: I never found Daddy Warbucks attractive, that would be very, very wrong!

2. The KoolAid Guy: He's all around kick ass! He smashes into walls and has a great catch phrase "Oh, Yeah". Who doesn't love shitloads of artificial coloring and sugar? Probably not a Gymboree Mom, but everyone else. The KoolAid guy gives a legal high to kids, he's the best animated pusher around!

3. Mrs. Butterworth: She is like the best grandmother you never had! When I was a kid, every time I went past her on the shelf I always said: "Hey, Mrs. Butterworth". I may or may not do that now, but that's up for you to decide... She always seemed steady and kind. Aunt Jemima was cranky and probably a little more than mean after dealing with years of racial injustice. Obviously, we got generic syrup so I never had either brand in my house, but maybe one day I'll be able to take Mrs. Butterworth home.

4. Punchy: If you can't tell by now,I had a fondess for sugary drinks as a kid. We used to go around drinking our Hawaiian Punch on the playground while giving each other our own hawaiian punches. It involved singing the jingle in a high pitched fashion and then punching the other kid when he wasn't looking. Although when you sneak up to someone singing a weird song, they'll know what's coming and plot their revenge accordingly. My first love is the KoolAid guy, but this guy was more violent than him and most likely schizophrenic, so he has to make the list.

5. Little Caesar: In my adolescence, I was obsessed obsessed with Caesar. I named a hamster after him and dressed up in a toga for Halloween. I was fortunate enough that my forays into early freeganism involved a Little Caesar's dumpster. That mascot meant free snacks to me! I did cheat on that dumpster with a neighbor's garbage can once, but it was still the same pizza! pizza!

Choose Wisely

*There are only 3 acceptable answers. If you choose the wrong one then you lose, because you stole fizzy lifting drinks. Good day, sir!

The Next Generation of Roamers

It's important to me that my children have the same love of the outdoors that I've had all my life. We live in a town home community so they don't have the acres of land I had at my disposal as a small child on a farm or my adolescent in Georgia, but I do try my best to find small areas in the neighborhood that we can enjoy.

We take walks in the Compost Wood and enjoy the stream that runs under the train tunnel. We once found a turtle in our yard and released it there. We always go there to say hello even though we haven't seen him since. Buddy Lee does have a fear of ticks, so I try to assure him that since we've already had Lyme Disease once in our family, we should be safe statistically.

The kids like to forage for fruit as much as I did. We really only have black raspberries and blackberries to pick, but that's plenty for any kid. I remember when I was in labor with my daughter, I took my son berry picking to keep my mind off of the pain. No, it did not work, but it was better than pacing endlessly around the house.

We have a nature preserve a few miles from the house and we often go there to watch the beavers and avoid run ins with the Canadian Geese that live there. (An animal attack featuring them will be coming soon!)I rarely see anyone come out to visit the preserve, but with an outlet mall a few miles in the other direction, why would anyone go there?

Although spring hasn't been as warm as I would like here, we still are going out and enjoying it. The wild mint has popped up and my son and I love collecting it to use with tea. It's thrilling for him to realize that their are edible plants out there, that you don't always need to rely on a supermarket. I always stress though that I'm the only one who can show him what plants are edible or not.

Yesterday, we spent the afternoon in clover patches. At first we were trying hard to find a four leaf clover. I found one once when I was a kid and foolishly wished that my mother would beat The Legend of Zelda. The wish came true, but if I had known it would have been my only clover wish in life, I would have used it on something other than a Nintendo game. Buddy Lee asked me what I would wish for if I found one and I said "to be rich". He immediately started asking "If we're rich, can I buy lunch every day? Can I buy breakfast too?" His thoughts were full of the crappy sticky buns they pass off as breakfast at his school. I guess it's just as well we didn't find a four leaf clover.

After a futile search, we sat down and I made necklaces, bracelets, and crowns out of the blossoms. It was a cool day with a lot of wind and no other people in sight; a good day for me! It was nice to just enjoy the afternoon with my kids in a quiet patch of suburbia.

Mom Don't #6

When you're looking at a Pokemon book for the millionth time and your child is concentrating hard on this amoeba looking one and he asks you how you like it, don't tell him it looks a little bit like a pile of crap. He'll just keep asking you until you change your mind from sheer annoyance.

Yield Means Haul Ass

I do not trust other drivers. I assume that they will do something stupid or selfish and prepare myself accordingly. Drivers can be assholes in a myriad of ways, but there are three in particular that bring out the most ire in me.

Improper Yielding: Pigs will have to fly before the average driver will every consider yielding to the person who has right-of-way. It's as if the sign telling them to yield doesn't even exist. They become speeding bullets trying to race you to your lane. Once I saw a tractor trailer in my rear view mirror suddenly decide that even though he was very much behind me, he would speed ahead and try to get into my lane. He was hauling ass and I was freaking out because I had no idea what to do. It's a massive vehicle and we could not share the same lane. Luckily the opposite lane was empty of cars and I swerved into it to avoid certain death. He barreled on through like my car didn't matter. I pull over once he was gone and just tremebled all over. My 6 week old son was in the car with me and if that other lane hadn't been empty, there would have been no avoiding disaster. Since then, I'm always hyper aware of yield areas and am never wrong about the foolish moves people will do there.

Tailgating: Unless you're a senior citizen, drivers need to be maniacally fast. It doesn't matter if you are in the right or left lane, you have to drive like you're trying to reach another planet. I am not a slow driver, but I prefer to stay only a little above the speed limit since I'm not interested in tickets and I always have young passengers with me. This often makes me a target for angry tailgaters. It doesn't matter if the left lane is free for passing, they need to prove the point that they are all-powerful speed demons and will ride my ass to do so. When this happens, I will mosey on over to the left lane, slow down a little, mutter an obscenity, and flip them off. I guess that's more about making myself feel better than teaching them a lesson.

Impatient Turns: If people are impatient about speed, impatient about yielding, then of course, they are naturally going to be impatient about stopping and waiting to turn. A lot of times, drivers simply do a California roll and don't even bother to stop before turning. Many times they've been waiting just too long and even if you are driving towards them, they decide to do a bat out of hell move and turn right in front of you and brake hard. This has happened to me more times that I can count. Just because someone sees you approaching and they are supposed to remain at a stop, doesn't mean they will. Once I was driving and I heard this voice in the back of my head say "T-bone" and so I immediately moved into the other lane and avoided a driver deciding to make an illegal left turn. Sometimes I think there are driving angels out there, looking out for you when you can't. We shouldn't need them, but I am grateful for their presence.

I wish there was a moral to these stories, but I'm afraid that mankind will continue to drive as badly as possible. I may loathe it, but I've accepted it. I can only rely on my own driving and have to be defensive. Impatience, distractions, and self centeredness are the reasons behind so many accidents and incidents of road rage. As long as I've got my driving angels, my distrust of all drivers, and my middle finger, I'll make it out alive.