White Trash Recipe of the Week

Poor Man's Shepherd's Pie

Ingredients:
1 large can of beef stew
1 can of Pillsbury (or generic) biscuits

Procedure:
Preheat oven to 375. Dump the can of beef stew into a casserole dish. Place the biscuits on top of the beef stew. Cook until the biscuits are done.

Toy Frenzy (part 2)

The Target 75% off toy sale has started here so I'm posting this very quickly in between runs. It really is a frenzy. I dropped my son off at his bus for camp and we hit the store right before it opened. There were many eager moms waiting there at the doors with me.

This is my 3rd time participating in this sale and the excitement is tantamount to the old game show Supermarket Sweep. I'm not sure if anyone ever watched that, but my sister and I used to love it. People would race around the stores to fill their carts with the most expensive items in the store like giant hams and turkeys and then run back when time was up to see if their total was the highest. This Target sale is similar with the rushing about, but you're actually trying to find the cheapest items. In some cases, it's just any items. People often have multiple carts and will clear whole shelves in the blink of an eye. It's similar to a plague of locusts and I was just scurrying along to snatch my share.

There are two types that shop. The moms/grandparents and the Ebayers/flea marketers. I like seeing the moms/grandparents get the great deals, but am not always happy with the resellers. I know that everyone has to make a living, but if you stay at home with your child, your budget is often tight and many moms end up very disappointed if they are maybe 10 minutes late to the sale.

I brought my daughter with me and she's an old pro at this sale. She'll sit happily in the cart with a bribe of Goldfish and the chance to play with some of those toys while waiting.

Now that I have two children to shop for, it's great that I spend less than $100 and get enough to cover this Christmas and Easter and maybe even a little for their next July birthdays. I love the sale. I love the excitement. I love racing my cart around the store and being among other thrilled shoppers. Once nap time is over, we're out the door again!

Would You Rather Wednesday

Appeased the Air Conditioner

Our no A.C. pact is in shambles and I'm the one who broke it. I've spent the last 2 months living in an inferno. I couldn't handle it anymore and my only happy time was when I put the A.C. on in the car. I never realized how lethargic heat can make a person. I didn't want to climb the stairs. I didn't want to cook. I didn't want to put away laundry. I didn't even want to rot on the floor! I am a lazy person by nature, but I became almost slothlike in my heated misery.

The thermostat has read 87 for about 3 days and after looking up the weather for this week, I decided that I had no choice but to make my demon air conditioner happy. We have the thermostat set for 80 now and those 7 degrees have made a massive difference. I actually put away some laundry happily! I'm sure they'll also be a massive difference in our bill next month, but maybe if I put in some Google AdSense Ads, the 10 cents I could stand to make will really help out.

I believe that this current heat wave was just another evil plot designed by my air conditioner. I also blame him for the glass situation in my foot and a recent nasty sunburn. Now that I've appeased him, will my luck change? It seems impossible that I could not sweat excessively and have good technotronic mojo, but there is magic in the world. You just have to break your word and pay for it.

Your Weekly Horoscope

*I will be using one of the greatest books ever, Anne of Green Gables, to help divine your fortune this week. I will randomly place a finger on a line and it is up to you to apply it to your own life.

Capricorn: The former erect and triumpant, the latter drooping and dejected.

Aquarius: She jumped up hurriedly.

Pisces: That won't be for a fortnight.

Aries: The ache that burns and gnaws and cannot wash itself away in ready tears.

Taurus: They picked, and loitered, and strayed..

Gemini: I don't see how you can make up such thrilling things out of your own head.

Cancer: Your complexion is just as fair as Ruby's.

Leo: That seemed like the mirth of wood elves.

Virgo: It sounds so tragical.

Libra: The world doesn't seem such a howling wilderness as it did last night.

Scorpio: So I stopped pinching.

Sagittarius: Trees aren't much company.

The Sixth Year

My oldest is turning six today. When he was born, he was very curious and alert. I constantly had to stand or sit him on my lap so that he could see the world. His head control was mastered very early and his eyes were as a wide as the Buddy Lee Jeans doll. He's still just as curious now only very mobile and capable of acting on that curiosity. I often find him climbing up on counters to find new things or rifling through drawers for hidden treasures. He knows where I keep his gift stash, but never insists on having the toys. You can't hide anything from him, talk in code, or spell out words to try and avoid having him know about something. He's shrewd and clever and always listening.

He's my engineer. He makes elaborate spaceships out of Legos and deluxe palaces out of Lincoln Logs.

He's a social butterfly. He'll frequently approach a group of older boys and say "Hey guys! What are you doing?" He loves attention and he loves to perform.

He loves stories and I try to give him G rated versions of my adventures in Georgia. He loves listening to my records, especially the Synchronicity album. We often play computer games together. He loves role playing ones with fighting and buying armor and now that he can read, they are even more enjoyable to him.

Our relationship is not always easy. He's intensely extroverted and I'm intensely introverted. His energy level is high and mine is low. He bores easily and looks to me to keep him happy. He's quick to anger, but quick to forget it. He has passion and fire, both of which I lack, but admire greatly in him. His mind is like mine, but his temperament is like his father's.

I hope that this year brings him excitement, friendship, and a better ability to handle his emotions. I hope that this year brings more patience and understanding for me and the wisdom to guide him into a flourishing middle childhood.

He is still my Buddy Lee doll, but he's starting to explore the world without his mother always holding his hand. I wish for his adventures to keep him filled with knowledge, courage, and hope.

When Glass Embeds in Your Foot

I am clumsy and absentminded. I did not see a glass on the edge of a counter and managed to knock it down with an elbow. I went into panic mode. I'm not sure if there is a broken glass phobia, but if there is one, I have it. Maybe I listen to too much Annie Lennox, but I'm always fearful that I will break glass, not clean it all up, and walk over it. When I was a kid, I had a plantar wart, but didn't know it at the time. I thought a million specks of glass were in my foot and I spent many hours trying to pick it out. One day this scab fell off and it confused me deeply. Where was the glass? I was obviously a dumb kid. When I was a teen, I got some stretch marks and was convinced Freddy Krueger scratched me up in the night.

Back to the story... I swept like a maniac. I got on my knees and peered over every spot in the floor. I even used our robot vacuum, Eve, to find anything I missed. I thought I was safe, but there was one tiny piece waiting for me.

You don't realize how much you need to walk in life until you're hobbling painfully around trying to be a janitor and waitress for your kids. I had tried an unsuccessful home medical procedure involving zealous needle action, a crappy flashlight, and a profuse amount of peroxide. I gave up and decided to walk around the mall with a piece of tiny glass in my foot because I'm that awesome.

When I came home, I did the procedure again. This time I added positive thinking to the process. It worked, but I was still left with the pain of the needle digs and the squeezing and the ankle contortions. I think walking around on glass has caused untold damage. I'm still hobbling. I'm still having to balance the custodial arts and food service. But the sun's still shining in the deep blue sky.

White Trash Recipe of the Week

*This week I want to focus on a very special ingredient that really enhances WT dishes: margarine.

Margarine is Magic

Rice
Get some boil-in-bag rice. Boil it. Empty into a bowl. Add margarine and salt to taste. Perfect side dish.

Noodles
Boil some egg noodles and drain. Pour into a bowl and add margarine and salt to taste. Make it fancy and add parsley.

Steak
Rub a steak with margarine and garlic puree and broil.

Homemade Chex Mix
Melt a generous amount margarine with some Worcestershire sauce. Pour it over generic Chex cereal, pretzels, and peanuts. Bake at 350 until nice and brown.

Garlic Bread
Mix some margarine with garlic puree. Slice a loaf of Italian bread and spread it in the cracks. Bake at 375 until crusty.

Potent Potables

Because You Love My Cat
I caught my daughter kicking the cat today and calling her "Stupid Sweetie". She got in serious trouble because we don't ever hurt animals. I think she was trying to make up for all the times Sweetie has boxed her in the face and scalp. They have a serious love/hate relationship. The hate mostly being from the cat and the occasionally love when A. tries to pick up the cat and kiss her on the mouth. The "stupid" is my fault. I've been trying hard to not to say dickhead and motherfucker in the car lately so I figured stupid was a good compromise. Guess not.

Leroy
Nearly dead again. I plan to leave him there so I can reenact Weekend At Bernie's in Chickie's Garden.

Rude Comments
I ran some errands this morning and the clouds decided to explode. My umbrella collapsed in the parking lot and my daughter and I got soaked. I heard these employees maybe 10 feet in front of me talking about how "Idiots go out in the rain. There's nothing you need that bad." Well, I do need to stalk the toy aisle that bad and it wasn't like it was a hurricane. It's a little rain, we won't melt. I was kind today and didn't flip them off.

New Accessories
My son has decided to wear one biking glove on his hand when he goes to camp. The kids have gone nuts about Michael Jackson, singing songs, wearing gloves, and talking about him. Very strange seeing as they were all born in this millennium.

My daughter insists on wearing Halloween knee socks everywhere. I wish I could wear knee socks.

Quote of the Week
~I'm going to eat cottage cheese until I die from it. (Buddy Lee)

Would You Rather Wednesday

Silver HBO Lining

Last week we had some issues with technology in our house. The most frustrating was with our satellite receiver. The DVR died for the 3rd time and the replacement couldn't seem to connect to dual mode so that we could watch different programs on different TVs. We spent a couple of hours trying to have someone help us fix the latest issue, but you could tell they were reading from a book and panicking. They offered to send someone out with a $50 fee. After some angry words, they decided to charge us and then credit us. As a consolation prize, technical support offered us 3 months free of HBO/Showtime.

I asked my husband if he wanted it. He said "No, we don't need it". My mind started thinking hard about all those TV shows I'd heard of like Big Love and Weeds and I decided that yes, I did need it. So when G stepped out of the room, I whispered furtively to the lady that we would take the offer. No one would have to know about it, I could cancel before the 3 months were up after I glutted myself on all those interesting new shows.

The repairman actually came on time and took him all of two minutes to fix our TV issues. He told me the people on the phone were "morons" and gave me a number to reach him if we had any other problems. The TV crisis was over and I could go back to DVRing my shitty shows once again. Seems like an ending to the story right? But there is more...

Mr. "I don't need HBO" somehow found the channels on his own and has been watching them nonstop since Friday. He watches movies he's seen before, movies he told me not to get from Blockbuster because they were stupid, and last night, he was riveted by a documentary on prom. It was about a recently integrated prom in Mississippi and he really seemed to enjoy it. My husband was not raised in America so he doesn't know very much about this rite of passage, but he liked seeing everyone dressing up, leaving their trailers, and riding in giant limos to prom. The movie was giving me flashbacks to my own adolescence, not really the prom, just trailers and accents. I still don't understand the appeal of it for G, but without the magic of HBO, he would have been missing this in his life.

The end. It's time for me to check out my recorded True Blood.

Your Weekly Horoscope

*I've picked out some interesting 80's movie characters that I think you should consider merging into your personality this week. Maybe they aren't so different from you than you think.

Capricorn: Johnny Castle (Dirty Dancing) You want to take Baby out of that corner.

Aquarius: Marty McFly (Back to the Future) Go time traveling at the whim of a crazy man.

Pisces: Freddie Krueger (Nightmare on Elm Street) You are feeling a little evil and also need to cut your nails.

Aries: Long Duk Dong (Sixteen Candles) Embrace your inner pervert.

Taurus: Lloyd Dobbler (Say Anything) You enjoy sharing your music to the world.

Gemini: John Bender (The Breakfast Club) You hate authority and are bad ass.

Cancer: Ariel (Little Mermaid) Swim and sing to your heart's content.

Leo: Sarah (Labyrinth) An evil goblin king can't seem to leave you alone.

Virgo: Sloth (The Goonies) Be very weird and eat junk food.

Libra: Alex Owens (Flashdance) You want to escape your life and just dance.

Scorpio: Andie Walsh (Pretty in Pink) You need a fairy godmother to give you a makeover.

Sagittarius: Ferris Bueller (Ferris Bueller's Day Off) Skip work and have some fun.

Sunday Funny

nataliedee.com

When Toilets Are Mutinous

I had a grotesque plumbing situation this morning and I'm proud to say that I dealt with it myself. My son constantly clogs our toilets. I'm not sure what happens when he's in there, but I assume it involves a lot of flushing and toilet paper. I should probably monitor his flushing and paper usage, but kids need their privacy. I just wish he'd understand how scary shit water can be when it's fixin' to spill onto your floor.

We have three bathrooms in our house, one on every story. It sucks to have to clean so many, but when you have had stomach bugs, like our house had this past week, they are very, very welcome. I'm not sure what we'll do when my daughter is potty trained and Mr. Rotovirus comes to call again. I guess we'll draw straws for using the Compost Woods.

Apparently the toilet in question was clogged last night, but I somehow didn't hear my son telling me the awesome news. So this morning, he goes and adds more to an overfull reeking pot. When I went into the bathroom, I saw that it could erupt at any moment and make my house its own Bog of Eternal Stench. I was terrified. I don't want to clean a nightmare like that. It had to go down. I'm sure that my evil air conditioner was laughing about this mess. He is especially irate because we weathered a heat wave these past two days without him and I blogged about his cruelty. (You know that he spies on my Internet activity!)

I got a plunger and tried to empower myself. I managed to drop an air freshener spray onto the floor waking my husband who said some beastly things since he's on call this week and has been working all night long. I wasn't going to let crankiness deter me; I had a mission.

I shoved the plunger into the abyss and held my breath while I flushed. I plunged and plunged because my floor depended on it. The raw sewage started to rise almost to the edge, but then miraculously, started going down. All of it gone, leaving a filthy, reeking, but empty bowl in its departure.

I really deserve a medal.

The Second Year

My baby girl is turning 2 today. I know for most parents it's hard to believe that their youngest child can turn into a miniature adult so quickly. Lady A. has definite likes and dislikes. Most of her sentences start with "I want" or "I no like". She's stubborn, affectionate, curious, loud, joyful, and sensitive. She is my lion-crab.

Two days before she was born, I started having very strong contractions every 3-5 minutes apart. Since, my cervix is a lemon (sorry, no one wants to know that!) I just had to bear with the pain at home minus the dilation until I finally had my C-section. When I had my son, I was filled with drugs so I don't remember much, but with my daughter, I was alert after the birth. I just remember staring and staring at her. The nurses would talk to me and wouldn't take my eyes off my girl. I had assumed I would have another son so the thought of having a daughter terrified and thrilled me at the same time.

I am not a girly person, but somehow my daughter is. She loves to try on shoes when we go shopping. She carries a purse. She loves to put her doll babies to bed. She often makes her own wardrobe choices and she loves matching hair clips. I always hope that I don't do her a disservice by not knowing much about being feminine.

Lady A. loves to sing, especially songs that have phrases that are easy for her to repeat. She likes songs like Poker Face, Single Ladies, and Boom Boom Pow. Probably not appropriate, but she doesn't seem to like my music yet. There is hope though, her brother loves my music now, but didn't at her age.

Her two great obsessions right now are Wall-e and The Little Mermaid. She has to watch YouTube clips of them or the actually movie everyday. We go to the Disney Store just so she can look at the toys for those movies.

She nicknamed herself May May at around a year old because she couldn't quite pronounce her own name. We found out from a friend that Mei Mei is Mandarin for little sister and the nickname has stuck. She calls her brother Na Na which is how she tried to say Ana; older brother in Kannada.

As she starts her second year, I wish my daughter happiness, magic, mermaids, and love. For as grown up as she seems, there is still some baby left to her and I plan to hold it tight for as long as I can.

Bad Technotronic Mojo

We seem to be living under a cloud of bad technological luck this summer. I wonder if it all started because our air conditioner hates us? We decided to go AC free this summer to reduce electric bills. Unfortunately, we have no AC, but the bills are the same as last year because rates doubled. Thanks so much electric company!

I figured that since our air conditioner can hear all the other air conditioners in the neighborhood buzzing away, he must feel angry and rejected so he took some cursed electric vibes and spread it throughout our house. Examples are as following:

1. Internet Explorer 8: Earlier this summer, I was doing the recommended updates for my laptop and it said to install IE8. I did so and then realized many websites are not compatible with it. The way that it is installed makes it nearly impossible to remove. There is a setting for site compatibility, but it doesn't always work and often aborts sites or loads them badly. I know I can just install a different browser and I tried, but I have only used IE in the last 10 years that I've been using the Internet and don't like other browsers.

2. Two Dead DVD Players: Two DVD players died on us in the same week. One of them got a library DVD stuck in it during its death throes that required us to open it up and remove. The other one was just loud and weird and wouldn't start. We are now discovering the forgotten joys of VHS. I sort of wish I had my old Beta machine so I could watch Adventures in Babysitting again. I'm sure our AC is saying "don't fuck with the air conditioner" as I type this. Whatever, dude!

3. Nightmare Satellite Receiver: We've had serious issues with our satellite receivers and remotes in the past. They die, they freeze, they won't show the right picture. I think we've replaced remotes twice and this week, we had to get 3 new receivers in the past year. Our DVR just gave up. This is truly upsetting to me because I hate live TV. I hate commercials and I'm spoiled. I'm not too good with technology, but I can work a DVR. My husband makes fun of me for all the crappy reality shows I load it with, but we all have to have our vices right?

We got a new receiver right away, but when activating and installing it, it will only play for one TV. It is supposed to be dual meaning that you can watch two different programs on two different TV. Something is wrong inside that won't let us disable this shared view. We spent hours on the phone yesterday only to have them tell us someone will come out between the hours of 12 am to 10:30 pm and that they want to charge us. After some irate conversation, they will be charging us and then crediting us, but I'm sure they'll be showing up when the sun sets on the third day.

So in conclusion; it's hot, our satellite company sucks, my browser sucks, but I still managed to watch Big Brother online (my post title reflects the latest episode). I will have to have some words with the AC and I'll be camping out waiting for some dude to fix the TV.

Would You Rather Wednesday

Summer of Sharks

I've always felt uneasy around law enforcement. A lot of it stems from engaging in illegal activities in my youth. Another part comes from seeing them engage in transactions with the leopard print ladies of the night outside McDonalds. A wee bit comes from this one cop who would say inappropriate things to me when I was 15 even though he already had a teenage wife.

This summer, my town seems to be full of cops. Their cars remind me of sharks, the lights at the top being like fins. They've been called to my neighborhood for domestic disputes, for arresting wild teens, and patrolling the neighborhood next to mine that we lovingly call Vice City. Basically it's a series of town homes and crack dealers. I grew up next to a similar place in Georgia, so it feels like home to me.

Once I hit college, I became a model citizen. I don't speed. I don't jaywalk. I don't even drink! I still feel sheer terror when a cop is driving behind me like they can sniff out my illicit past and arrest me on the spot. Does their speed radar detect all the vandalism, the theft of Hostess Snowballs, and the breaking into trailers? I am a respectable matron now, right?

When I see them arresting kids in the street, I feel rage. I want to flip them off, but wonder if that will get me arrested. I've googled that, but have found no true answers. There is a teeny part of me that still remembers wearing gang colors, trying to project a toughness I didn't possess. I feel like pulling over my car and cracking skulls. I'm sure those kids must have done something seriously wrong, but I understand how they got in those situations. I still harbor a teen in me that abhors authority and lives for recklessness. I can feel the distrust, confusion, and rebellion in those kids, much like my own at that age.

I know that the majority of police officers truly try to protect and serve the people, but some biases are too deep to remove. I don't think I will ever rid myself of the discomfort I feel when a police car is around and seeing so many of them lately does not help matters. It's a strange summer of sharks.

Your Weekly Horoscope

*Back by popular demand (or maybe just my demand), the Ipod Shuffle Horoscope. If you need help decoding the song for your life, let me know!

Capricorn: Strangers Like Me (Phil Collins)

Aquarius: What is Love (Howard Jones)

Pisces: The Finer Things (Steve Winwood)

Aries: The Soul Cages (Sting)

Taurus: One Was Johnny (Carole King)

Gemini: Superstition (Stevie Wonder)

Cancer: Cherry, Cherry (Neil Diamond)

Leo: Goodbye Earl (Dixie Chicks)

Virgo: Ride Like the Wind (Christopher Cross)

Libra: Let My Love Open the Door (Pete Townshend)

Scorpio: The Long Race (Bruce Hornsby)

Sagittarius: Raspberry Beret (Prince)

Sunday Funny

nataliedee.com