Happy Mother's Day!

I hope all the mothers out there have a nice, relaxing day! The picture above is from the sweet card my son made me at school. I thought I might talk today a little about my oldest.

I've called him Buddy Lee almost since birth. He had great head control as a newborn and he loved to sit on my lap and observe people. He reminded me of the Lee Jeans Buddy Lee doll and the nickname has stayed every since.

The dude is crazy! He's very much a Leo, outgoing and fearless. He will walk up to a group of 10 year olds (he's only 5) and say "Hey guys. What's going on? Do you like Bakugan?" He also has my smart mouth and devilish mind which makes me proud at times and embarrassed at others.

Buddy Lee loves vampires, zombies, mummies, ghosts, and skeletons. He has since he was very young. He makes me put on Thriller all the time and reenact the video from memory which isn't hard since that album has been one of my greatest loves since I was his age. I don't really have the heart to tell him that supernatural beings aren't really real, because I want him to think there is some magic in the world. I would prefer it to be Loch Ness or fairies, but I guess zombies are will do.

Buddy Lee is an awesome engineer of Legos. He sets out to make castles and weapons and airplanes and they really do look like them. He's not interested in recreating the pictures on the box. He alsoloves to jump right into the deep end of the pool and then stay there all day. He has nonstop energy, has since the womb. Sometimes his apelike behavior can send me over the edge, but it makes me happy to know that he truly enjoys his childhood.

Since Buddy Lee is so extroverted and I'm so introverted there are times we do have clashes. He wants to be doing things and being with people all the time and sometimes I just need a break. He also takes out all his frustration on me because he looks to me as his safe place. It is something special to me, but can still be trying. The things he'll say and do to me are not things he would ever consider doing at school or even with his Papa.

I'm very proud of his work in Kindergarten this year and it's hard to believe he's not that Buddy Lee doll on the couch just looking at the world. He's a full fledged member of it! I think Mother's Day really becomes special when your children truly want to appreciate you and take the time to make something just for you.

Thanks for reading today! I hope your day is just as special.

When Animals Attack: A Passel of Hogs

I figured this would be an apt animal attack account considering the notoriety swine has gained lately.

I always thought I shared an affinity to pigs. My great grandfather had a massive one that I considered my own personal mini horse. Her name was Daisy and I used to ride her until she unfortunately broke her leg and was subsequently butchered by my grandfather and eaten by me.

I guess my bond was with domestic pigs only because feral ones had no use for me. I spent a month in India during my summer holidays in college and it was there I encountered some enraged ones. This will probably not be my only animal attack story that takes place in India. Animal attacks sort of color a lot of my memories there. It saddens me that none of them are on camera to share with you. You'll just have to take my word for them!

It was a sweltering evening in New Delhi and we were walking from our hotel to a Chinese restaurant to pick up take out for dinner. I enjoyed the walk, my skin color was hidden at night and I could stare at people freely without being stared at myself. I peeked at men urinating onto walls and marveled at the ways cars and motorcycles expertly dodged cows and pedestrians. Along the way, I happened to notice a gang of wild pigs gorging on garbage.

In my excitement of seeing so many huge beasts in front of me, I impulsively ran up to them like they were celebrities and wanted their autographs. My "Hey Guys!" did not make the impression I was looking for and they angrily swarmed me and made hellish squeals. I suppose I'm using the word attack loosely in this tale, but my terror was real and the insane wrath in their eyes was genuine as well.

I walked briskly away and was scolded for my thoughtless enthusiasm for the swine. Some risks, like filthy and uncouth demon pigs are not worth it. I stuck to spying on pissing dudes for the rest of the journey.

White Trash Recipe of the Week

Poor Man's Scramble

*I am not a chef and I do not measure.

Ingredients:
3-4 eggs
Cooking oil or butter if you're feeling flush
1 piece of bologna
Handful of shredded cheese
Salt/pepper to taste
1/4 of onion diced

Procedure:
Put some oil or butter in a frying pan. When it heats up, add the onion and cook until very brown. Crack the eggs into a coffee mug. Add a handful of cheese and some salt and pepper. Rip up a piece of bologna and also add that to the eggs. Mix the coffee mug mixture with a fork. Pour into the frying pan and scramble. It should be done when the cheese has melted into the eggs and the bologna is browned.

Peter Rabbit is Real!

The warm weather and long growing season in Georgia means an abundance of fruit for months and months. Some of the fruit we glutted ourselves on was growing wild on county property like blackberries and scuppernong grapes, but most of it was filched from yards and gardens.

Tiffany Lane had the best variety of produce. One trailer in particular had a fenced yard that contained a pear tree and a garden with loads of melons. I always thought of the trailer owner as Mr. McGregor from Peter Rabbit, but he was neither old nor spindly; more like middle aged and morbidly obese. We loved to peek into his windows and spy on him watching T.V. He had a daughter my age, but she was not part of the Bicycle Gang, so her family's fruit was ours for the taking.

The pears were easy to access because the tree hung over the fence. We could ride by on our bikes and snatch a few to eat while riding without hands through the neighborhood. We liked to put the cores in this evil lady's mailbox. One day she caught us in the act so we just threw them down in the street on front of her house. It was not as much fun, but still a present to her.

Eventually we grew tired of pears and decided to go after the melons. This meant scaling a fence, but since we were bold and daring; why not? We decided to do this on foot and had to figure out a way to sneak a 10 lb watermelon through the neighborhood to a secret location. Our plan was to smuggle it under our shirts. No one notices a knocked up teen in Georgia, right?

It was like a relay race, shoving the melon under our shirt and running, then stopping to hand it to the next girl. I don't know how we made it to the hidden field with all the laughing and crazy dancing we did along the way. Once we got there, we realized we had no way of cutting it so we threw it to the ground to split it. It smashed to pieces and the scarlet flesh mingled with the bright red earth. We scooped up handfuls and ate them nonetheless while chortling over our success.

Mom Don't #5

When it's Teacher Appreciation Week and your child is supposed to bring a flower to school for his teacher, don't go next door to your neighbor's foreclosed, abandoned property and take a branch off their Azalea bush still soaked in dew. All the other kids will be bringing store bought roses.

Top Ten Overlooked Animated Characters

10. Gaston from Beauty and the Beast: He's written off as a chauvinistic ass, but he is easily the best eye candy of all the Disney male characters.

9. Squidward from Spongebob Squarepants: Pessimistic, easily annoyed, and anti-social, he rocks!

8. Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh: Slow moving, downcast, and extremely loveable.

7. Sebastian the Crab from The Little Mermaid: His mutterings are amusing and his accent is kick ass!

6. Swiper from Dora the Explorer: Who doesn't love a thief that never gives up?

5. Luigi from Super Mario Brothers 2: He is goofy, endearing, and has crazy legs!

4. Merlyn from The Sword in the Stone: He is brilliant, worldly, eccentric, and absentminded; an ideal dude.

3. Iago from Aladdin: He has a foul mouth and a snide attitude. What's not to love about that?

2. Rafiki from The Lion King: He's a hermit and most likely clinically insane. Immensely likable.

1. Beast from Beauty and the Beast: Snarly, standoffish and slightly immodest when he shows a little behind in his bathing scene. Why did he have to change back into the lame prince?

Let me know if I've missed any!

You Load Up, You Party.

As much fun as it is to break into trailers, there are times when it gets a little boring. You want to experiment with altered mental states, but you don't know how and you're willing to try anything.

Rabbit Tobacco: I had heard about this from someone at school. I knew we had it in our backyard; why not try it? My sister and I stole a lighter from the house and got some notebook paper for rolling it. The fringe from the spiral was still on it. We picked some leaves and rolled it into the paper and lit it up. It probably would have helped to know that it's supposed to be dried out first since we were using fresh leaves. We tried to smoke the skank weed, but nothing really happened at all. It was still fun lighting it on fire. Lighting fires in the woods was a hobby of ours so even if we didn't get high, we had that.

Pass Out: This is a game that involves hyperventilation and choking. It's not for the faint of heart. We would stand against a wall and then bend over and start hyperventilating. After we started feeling lightheaded, we'd straighten up and have someone come over and push against our neck until we "passed out". I'm not sure what the attraction is to blacking out, but it passed the time in an interesting way.

Secondhand Pot: I had tennis class in the afternoon and we had to walk along this breezeway to get to the courts. Often kids would be skipping class to smoke out there and just taking a casual stroll and lingering near them would give you a pleasant buzz. Giggling uncontrollably while playing tennis in 90 degree heat is insanely enjoyable. Once my calculus class had an infestation of yellow jackets and we had to go and do our work outside on the benches near those kids and it was the first time I actually liked doing math!

Not having pocket money, we had to find creative ways to have good times. I'm sure there are other failed experiments that I can't remember, but I'm sure all of them were dangerous and foolish.

*Disclaimer: Kids, do not try any of this at home!

Supermarkets are the New Raves

Grocery store music is a serious weakness of mine. It's hard to restrain myself from singing and dancing in the aisles at times. People frequently look at me like I'm a freak and I certainly don't blame them. I do pity them a little though; how often do you get a Peter Cetera/Richard Marx all-you-can-listen-to musical buffet? Not very often unless you're listening to my Ipod or this particular blog. I can't help it, I like lousy music, especially heavy on the synthesizer.

I want to tell people that they should allow themselves to have a Rick Astley song make their shopping experience a little richer. He's never gonna give you up. Sometimes you might get lucky and some BeeGees will start playing. This is a perfect opportunity to push your cart like you're strutting your stuff in flares down a busy New York street! A little Simple Minds can allow you to hustle through the produce section like you're trying to make it back to Saturday Detention. In the supermarket, you really don't have to take your clothes off to have a good time.

Maybe you are still reluctant to allow yourself to enjoy uncool Muzak, but you know that deep inside you want to. It can cheer you up, relax you, and make you feel not so old. It can turn an unpleasant weekly chore into a musical flashback of your youth! Don't you want your life to have a soundtrack too? You know you want to know the glory of love and have the time of your life, if only for the time between entering the store and checking out. It's time to discard the cheese stigma and go for it! Sing a little the next time an awesome song is playing at the store or maybe tap your foot a little while your comparing the sales. I dare you!

Or you can just hit the mute button before you come to this blog like my sister does!

Mom Don't #4

Don't laugh when your child tells you that his seatbelt is "jacked up" because you realize you taught him that lovely phrase in the first place.

When Animals Attack: The Ram

I've had the misfortune to be attacked by a variety of animals in my life. Probably most of it was my fault. I've gone looking for trouble quite a bit in my life. Animal attack stories can be funny though, so I'm willing to share them here.

The Story of the Ram: We lived on the border of Canada in upstate NY when I was a kid for a little while. It was a very rural farm community. I was lucky enough to have my own livestock to care for and I had goats that would follow me like dogs when I went for walks in the woods. We added a large ram to the mix and he was named Billy the Kid, Kid for short. Kid had some very serious aggression issues. I didn't know what caused them, but anytime I went into the pen to feed and water him and the goats, he was on my back like a demented Donkey Kong. I was a spindly 11 year old kid and being assaulted by a maniac sheep was emotionally scarring me! I started to tie him to the fence with a dog leash when I had to go in, but he always had these wild, demon eyes.

We got him sheared in the spring and found out the root of all his anger; he had one testicle. We were told he was fixed when we got him, but someone botched the job. It pretty much explained all of his behavior with me and even our poor female goat. Not too long after, we sold him to another family and they ate him for Easter. Problem solved.

What Your Monopoly Properties Say About You!

I've been addicted to Monopoly since I was six years old. I always have to be the banker and always have to have the horseman. I guess I like it because I am a closet capitalist. I don't have money, but am certainly frugal and if given the chance to have properties, I would become the female Donald Trump. Since I've played this game so many times, I feel close to the properties and think I have the key to unlocking the mystery of why people collect certain monopolies.

Mediterranean and Baltic Avenue: You may be a bit of a curmudgeon. You are a shrewd dealer and often win the game.

Oriental, Vermont, Connecticut Avenue: You enjoy shopping at Costco and buying in bulk. You consider yourself frugal and sensible, but aren't really.

St. Charles Place and States and Virginia Avenue: You are not one to take risks. You are a bit lazy and sloppy.

New York and Tennessee Avenue and St. James Place: You are boring, but you don't know it. You like people to think you are practical and you thrive on routine.

Kentucky, Indiana, and Illinois Avenue: You have some spendthrift qualities to you, but you often find great bargains. You always speak plainly.

Marvin Gardens and Ventnor and Atlantic Avenues: You want to be rich and you want to be famous. You can have a jealous nature.

Pennsylvania, North Carolina, and Pacific Avenue: You are quite the snob and you like to show off. You will make the perfect Gymboree parent if you aren't already!

Boardwalk and Park Place: You are very stubborn and are annoyingly tenacious. You are also very daring.

Utilities: You are smart and make rational decisions, but do enjoy taking a risk.

The Railroads: You are a selfish asshole and a sore loser!

Of course, all of these are said tongue in cheek, no offense meant. Some tips: don't hang out in jail, it makes you a chicken and stop being obsessed with free parking! Stay tuned for next weeks series on the game Life and as always I've got a shout out for my darling little purple properties and their $50 houses.

White Trash Recipe of the Week

Pork N Beans

*Use generic if possible, unless your a couponer, then you probably have a stockpile of name brands!

Ingredients:
1 can of baked beans (make sure they have those hideous/tasty pork fat cubes in them)
6 or 7 hot dogs (hooray for nitrates!)
Brown sugar
Mustard

Procedure:
Open can of beans and pour into pot. Chop the hot dogs into size you prefer and add to pot. Squirt in some mustard and put a good sized handful of brown sugar in the pot too. (Sorry, I'm not much for measuring) Boil until it is cooked, serve in bowls. Bon Appetite!

Mom Don't #3

If your kids are in the car, don't blast Pour Some Sugar on Me and then roll up into the parking lot of Superfresh screaming "I love Def Leppard" out the window. All the proper matrons will be terrified, look in your car and then give you the shitty mom look of death.

Greatest Joy in Life

I really, really, really love to curse. I would become a sailor just to have cussing as part of my job duties. I've never seen anything wrong with most of the bad words out there. I love vocabulary and they are just more colorful, effective words to add to your lexicon. The first time I swore, I was five and uttered "shit" while watching Sesame Street. (Probably identifying early on with Oscar the Grouch, because you know he enjoys a good expletive) I did get my first taste of the Ivory and it sort of deterred me from swearing for awhile. I figured out that it was an adult thing to do like driving or drinking. When I hit my teens, it was time to hit that crass rite of passage.

I know there are times it isn't called for like work or religious services or around your kids. My issue would be mostly around my kids. I guess the worst crime you can commit when you have kids is to say fuck around them. You will most certainly lose your Gymboree Mom membership and be shunned for life! Growing up, all the adults cursed around kids (smoked as well) and I think we grew up mostly OK. Suburban parents these days are very concerned with making the world sterile and Splenda-rific. You know, sweet, but in an artificial no calorie way. Obviously salty language has no part in that world.

I do try to watch my language, but only a small part of me feels guilty when I don't. I adore bad words, maybe, sometimes crave them. They can make you laugh. They can express your anger. They can create a bond among like minded strangers. They just won't make you Mom of the Year. I guess that's alright with me, I wouldn't be able to continue my Gymboree Mom Don't list and that would be a serious travesty.

Free Ride

Another shameful fact about me is that I rode the bus all through high school. I had issues with the stick shift and since it was the only kind of car available to me, I had no other choice. As embarrassing as it must seem to most people, I actually enjoyed it!

The bus stop was a happening place. We played 2 square and kickball. We watched one of the Monkey brothers remove his fake eye. We'd tease the Panek boys about eating sour cream and tortillas for breakfast. It was like an early morning recess and there was always something to do at 8 am.

Once on the bus, we'd immediately head straight for the last seat. My sister, D.D., myself and I would squish into one seat. Sitting in the back meant you had seniority and that you basically owned that bus. It took a few years before we got to that point, but once we were there, we never left.

Our driver, Ms. Ashmore, had this gnarly strip of hair on her wrist that looked very much like a bracelet. She was a tough broad and yelled a lot, but was a decent driver. Sometimes we would have a clueless sub drive the bus. Once this guy was so lost, he decided to drive the wrong way down Hwy 17. It was exhilerating like being in the movie Speed.

There generally was a lot of noise on the bus, kids laughing/singing/dancing/shrieking/fighting. You could yell out curse words and Ms. Ashmore it was you. I once spent 6 months flirting with this BeloRussian exchange student in the seat in front of me and then the next 6 months scowling at his unattractive Tajik replacement.

Things were some bad moments on the bus like when this boy Opie puked out the window and it streaked past the windows. We had vomit on the windows the whole year.

Once the youngest Thorton kid managed to spread lice all over the bus. I had to have my hair washed in gasoline in the backyard to get it all out. Cheaper and more excting than Nix!

I look back on my days on the bus with fondness. My free rides continued into college when I rode the free bus to school and to work. Those experiences are not so wonderful. Public buses seem to be playgrounds for the insane, but I had some pepper spray so that was always my silver lining.

Swine Flu Words of Wisdom

The funniest things you hear are generally when people aren't purposely trying to be funny. The latest media mania of the Swine Flu has led to lots of conversation everywhere and I've heard two things lately that amused me greatly.

"I don't get it. Just wash your damn hands!" ~Systems Engineer/WHO volunteer

"It's already predestined if you're going to die from swine flu. Just accept it, at least it's an interesting way to go." ~Alec Baldwin's #1 Fan

Mom Don't #2

Don't tell your 5 year old to stop jumping on the hood of your car because he's not in some fuckin' WhiteSnake video. It will only pique his interest because you mentioned the word snake.

Eat Fresh

To put myself through college, I was a sandwich artist. It's alright to snicker about it, it still makes me laugh nearly 10 years after uttering the words "mayo, mustard, or cheese" on a daily basis. The mall I worked in was dead and it was disappointing because I had always hope for a Fast Times experience. There was a skating rink above the shop so I did get to hear Britney Spears and various boy bands ad nauseum. That was a plus. We also had weird suppliers and there were often pubic hairs in the bread and eyelashes in the cheese. It was a normal minimum wage job.

One monotonous afternoon that couldn't quit playing games with my heart, I noticed a group of guys approaching the counter. I immediately recognized them as the band, Ben Folds Five. My opinion of them had been that they were lame assholes with crappy music, but as soon as I saw them, I went running like my ass was on fire to the back. I told one of my coworkers that I couldn't take their order, they were famous! I am extremely embarrassed to admit it, but I stayed in the back watching on the security monitor alternately silently shrieking and doing some queer kicking dance. I always prided myself on the belief that if I came face to face with anyone famous, I would be cool and aloof and not even acknowledge their celebrity. Here was this B list band and I was going ape shit!

When they left, my coworker came into the back and said "Those were rock stars? They were filthy!" I was teased mercilessly for my dash to the back. That was my one and only brush with fame and hopefully it will stay that way.

They ordered veggie subs if you were wondering.

The Original Freegans

Long before it was popular, I was a dumpster diver with my sister. We were mainly on a mission for junk food and found it aplenty behind the Food Lion. We were never allowed much growing up, so when we found some we hoarded it. I am still a sugar addict to this day so I've resolved not to be anal about with my own kids. A moldy blueberry pie hidden under your bed at 12 can lead to regular 5 lb Twizzler binge in college!

The Food Lion dumpster was like a filthy Wonka factory. We were able to scavenge all sorts of goodies there like cases of Sweet Tarts, Moon Pies, and generic Oreos. There were other people there, but they wanted meat and produce and were happy enough to leave the junk for the weirdo kids that constantly patrolled the area. Once we got the goods, we'd have to find bushes to hide them in and would always be going out for "walks" to go and snack.

There was also a pizza shop and Chinese restaurant that often threw out perfectly good food. I never thought about how utterly disgusting it was to eat in a sticky back alley while the sea gulls watched. I did make friends with a one legged seagull and would give bits of food to him.

Freegans seem to be looking for healthy, organic foods. They like finding kale and quinoa and free range chicken. They like saving the earth and being frugal. The like being part of a trend. I don't know. It's not as cool as sharing chicken chow mein and a Moonpie with a handicapped seagull squatting on a giant vat of used oil.

Mom Don't #1

Don't go ninja on a bumble bee with a twig and then tell it to fuck off in front of your kids.